Dedicated Channel

Jesus I suck why the hell do I continue to pursue this when I could go get a masters or apprentice for a producer or something or go back home where people are real and there’s actually weather okay shut up already you need to be positive you need to channel your confidence this is what your therapist has been talking to you about this endless tidal pull towards insecurity where did that come from my parents or an early piece of shit love affair there’s no need for it I need to grow the fuck up and stop dramatizing my pain except I’m an actor aren’t I isn’t that the point to dramatize my inner pain for the world to recognize as their own pain this makes my pain infinitely more noble and in fact it’s my duty and my responsibility to feel my pain and parade it for others like a freaking pain peacock but holy shit I’m nervous and I’m not sure my pain is what is needed at this moment because fuck it’s stupid fucking comedy and I hate reading for shit like this it’s not what I work on in class why am I takinga class anyway stupid fucking waste of money I hate being part of a group anyhow and now I slept with a classmate which I swore I wouldn’t do and it’s ugly they’re now in love and I’m not or I’m now in love and they’re not the balance has been thrown it’s not fun I should do improv and have some fun that’s what my agent says is that everyone is doing improv I need improv on my resume or just casting workshops are they even legal or not I can’t understand that whole deal because I’m good enough I know I’m good enough to book work but I just need a friggin’ chance why won’t someone call me in to give me a friggin’ chance I need to do more workshops okay SHUT UP and focus you’re about to audition you’re about to go on in a play you’re about to get called to the set you’re about to perform a scene and all these thoughts are really not useful to you you have to focus and get personal man get fucking personal I’m gonna be so fucking personal I’m gonna connect so awesomely the connection is going to be like a warm light emanating from us outward into the holy shit my rent is due next week I feel like I just paid the rent and I don’t have the rent because my job friggin’ sucks and am I really going to be doing this all my life like in middle age will I be going to auditions and sitting in a room looking at people who are my age now and regretting every choice I made am I going to be alone all my life am I really going to be with this person the rest of my life should I have just committed to that other relationship for the rest of my life won’t I ever have kids shouldn’t I have had kids I secretly sometimes dislike my kids shouldn’t I be more involved in like what’s going on in the world I have all these opinions I should march more I should read more I should proclaim more how I’m a virtuous person with the right beliefs and wait hold on a freaking second why doesn’t my teacher just tell me to quit why does he validate me why does she believe in me teachers must lie all the time about STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT focus on the scene focus on the scene focus on the scene get personal have the moment before have the significant other have the son have the dog have the physical state have what the history is own my sexuality don’t hide don’t fucking hide I’m so not going to hide Jesus I hate this actor I hate his preparation I hate her questions I hate the way he covertly directs me I hate the way she overtly flirts with me do I hate it no I don’t hate it how can you hate someone flirting with you SHUT UP STOP IT okay just quiet your mind quiet your mind find your peace find your bliss find your gratitude find your fucking blisstastic feeling of awesomeness find it find it I can’t find it but someone posted something about mentally strong people and what they do and this doesn’t feel mentally strong and is he writing this about me specifically and while I’m at it I’m hungry I want something to eat I want an infinity of something to eat I want to eat nonstop until next week but at least it won’t be just burritos maybe a kale salad and some gluten free cookies in there as well I can’t believe I’m thinking about what food I want to pig out on when I’m supposed to be getting ready to act what I really need is to smoke some fucking weed man get some fucking meth man I need some pot some meth some X some K some lucy some molly I need something I should probably stop smoking so much fucking pot right it’s really not making me exactly sharp as a tack I wonder if your thoughts are actually important I mean I’m about to go out there and shit the bed or maybe I’m going to be fucking brilliant and people will laugh and cry and give me compliments and I can never tell the difference between sucking and killing it but in some weird way there’s nothing better than going out there and doing my thing why does it have to be such torture and I can’t get my mind to have the thoughts I want it to have about the scene about the moment about what’s going on but maybe in the end it’s not so freaking important what thoughts I have before I act while I act after I act and these thoughts are simply a 24/7/365 dedicated channel of nonstop streaming shit brilliance genius healthy doubt anticipation nerves fear excitement dread that has absolutely nothing to do with execution it’s just a channel that exists and it streams and it’s not linked to acting at all it just exists and it always will exist and anyone who says they don’t have their dedicated channel is a fucking liar and what life as an artist is about is the ability to co-exist with the dedicated channel to function without listening to it so much holy shit did they just call my name did they just call going up did they just call places did they just call first team in did they just call sound and camera they did this is it just go in there just fucking go out there just… and… uh….

Curtain up. Action. They’ll see you now. 

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